Don't Drink Alcohol. (Or Coffee, or Soda, even the Diet Version)

Because they are all bad for you, especially the alcohol.  Alcohol sucks B vitamins out of your body like a delightful hoover.  All you're left with is the shell.  Plus it makes you fat.  So do soft drinks.  And so do diet soft drinks because 'studies show they increase your desire for sweets'.  Now I haven't embarked on any studies myself, but might I suggest that the sweets thing is just fat people rewarding themselves for not glugging down a 2 litre bottle of regular Coke?The rather tedious dietician featured in this article (link below) also doesn't like coffee, but it's just a vague dislike, nothing you can hang your hat on.  I imagine all dieticians instinctively distrust coffee.  I also imagine that they do not make great road-trip buddies.

Source:  Chicago Tribune

Australian Suburb Killer!

Now this title is not suggesting that there is a killer at large in Australian suburbia.  In fact, it is the suburbs themselves which are killing people who live in them.  You may scoff, but the article in 'The Age' newspaper gives a harrowing account of one young family's 90 minute commute in order to find an indoor swimming pool for the kids to splash around in.  They had to wait a long time for a bus.  In the rain.  And all because their own suburb doesn't have adequate aquatic facilities.  Which means that people exercise less, become obese, and die in their beds with a half-eaten chicken lodged down their throats.  Hence the title - and you thought I was exaggerating?


Inconsiderate Australian local planning committees: hang your heads in shame. You are murdering innocent Aussies!




Source:  The Age

Shaking Hands is Bad For You

Hands can spread disease you know.  So stop shaking hands with people.  Just give them a curt nod, ignore the outstretched hand, they'll drop it soon enough.  Just stare 'em out.  Don't let social pressures make you succumb to letting their armada of little germs bridge the gap over to you.  Your body is your temple you know, so you might as well build a big giant invisible wall around it.  In fact all temples should probably do this, just in case.


The British Olympic chief medical officer has brought this subject up, just in case you were wondering.  Forget all that fair -play-good-chap business, he says.  Don't let Johnny Foreigner weaken our stout British limbs with his virus ridden paws.   Also stay away from mobile phones, as 1 in 6 of them is carrying faecal bugs.  What are people doing with their phones?


Source:  Guardian

Bread is Salty. Salty is Bad. Bread is Bad.

Guess what's the number one source of salt in the American diet.  Go on guess, you'll never... yes it is bread - obviously - it's in the title of this post.  Fair enough.  'Potato chips' (or 'crisps', as non-American people call them) only come tenth on the list.  This seems wrong, and of course technically it is.  The actual point is that people eat more bread than, for example, popcorn, and as a result they hoover up more sodium from bread than anything else.  Sodium gives you high blood pressure and this is generally looked upon as a bad thing by the medical profession.  Hence we have a news article suggesting that bread is liable to give you a heart attack in the morning.


Source:  Dallas Morning News

Toast Makes You Look Old

Yeah, you heard me.

Stop eating that toast, it's full of AGEs (that's Advanced Glycation End Products).  These cause wrinkling and pigmentation of skin.  Apparently.  How ironic, that such a chronic condition should have such a nifty little acronym!  Almost as if the Scientists who discovered the condition were somehow In Cahoots with the anti-aging products gang.  But I can't believe a Scientist would stoop so low.  So yeah, toast makes you look Ancient, so stop wearing those skinny jeans & tight t-shirts - you're just embarrassing yourself Grandad.  And there are AGES seeping out of your coffee and croissant too, so don't think you can get away with them either you wrinkly old fart.

Source:  Sydney Morning Herald

Ice Cream is More Addictive than Crack Cocaine

Yes it's true, it wasn't your fault at all, just like you always said!  You weren't being greedy, it was your chronic ice cream addiction that led to your crippling Baskins & Robbins habit.  That's why you had to cut the waistband in your track-pants and why you haven't been able to fasten a pair of jeans since stonewash went out of fashion.  The internationally renowned 'Oregon Research Institute' (or, ORI as it's shown on your college application forms) has discovered that your brain is making you eat more ice cream.  Not you, your brain.  You see the ORI team has come up with data showing that parts of your brain really, reeeally like ice cream.  These 'brain bits' get depressed when the ice cream is all gone, so they make you go over to the freezer and get another wedge of it to shove down your gullet.  And just like drugs, the more of it you try, the less the high.  Sad really.  Washed up, living in a box, rocky road smears crusting on your big face.  


No I will NOT give you 50 cents for bus fare.  I know what you'd do with that money...


Source:  Irish Independent

Semi-Skimmed Milk is a Waste of Space

You're better off drinking the real stuff - the milk referred to as 'full fat', in a blatant attempt to scare off dieting women.  In fact 'real' milk isn't that fatty at all, certainly not compared to - for example - a cake, and the low fat stuff isn't going to help you lose any weight because the difference is so tiny that you'd need to be sucking cows dry on a daily basis to notice a difference.  (Nice mental image).  And by removing or reducing the small amount of fat found in the cream, you also remove most of the vitamins and minerals along with it.  And what's the point in drinking milk at all if you're going to do that?


Source:  Daily Mail

Red Meat is Bad for You

If you eat even small quantities of processed meat - like those delicious sausages and bacon strips you like - you will probably die earlier than you otherwise would have.  That's what a Study from Harvard has deduced, and everyone knows that people from Harvard are very, very clever indeed.  Don't eat red meat.  Try to avoid it completely, or else make it an 'occasional part of your diet'.   In fact if you replace the red meat you currently stuff your fat face with with whole-grains or something similar, you will live longer.  Some may wonder what type of a barren existence this would be, but there it is.


The Harvard folk say that if we persist in our processed red meat eating, we are 21% more likely to get heart disease and 10% more likely to get cancer.  Suspiciously precise figures which have nevertheless been repeated unquestioningly by the hundreds of newspapers worldwide which 'covered' this story.  'Covered' as in 'regurgitated'.  By the way, if I am not to die of heart disease or cancer - how exactly am I going to go?  Duck hunting accident?  Tragi-comic piano crushing from above?  Maybe the Harvard guys know.


Harvard.


Source:  Irish Independent (& every other paper in the world)

Soft Drinks are Bad For You

According to a Study, drinking a can of soda a day will increase your risk of heart disease by 20%.  If you are a man. This particular study was a men-only affair, probably due to some undisclosed bias on the part of the surveyors. The 'study leader' is a professor at Harvard - or at least the Harvard School of Public Health, which you, I and everyone else on the planet assumes is the same thing.  And maybe it is.  But anyway this professor and his team (of students?) have come to the conclusion that even one can of Popsi or Cake per day and you massively increase the chances of your heart packing it in.  Or in other words, carbonated drinks containing large amounts of sugar and various other unpronounceable chemicals are bad for your health.  Thanks Harvard Professor!


Source: Irish Independent